The Battle Within

I sense that many of us face personal battles that sit under the surface, quietly running in the background of our lives day by day. They’re invisible from the outside looking in, with probably only a select few aware of your vulnerabilities and the challenges you’re carrying.

For me it’s the continual dance between self-doubt and supreme confidence.

Every morning my default state is self-doubt. I quietly remind myself that I’m the master of my fate and captain of my soul. I’m in control of my destiny and I control the outcome. It’s a start, but it’s not enough to pull me out of the depths of doubt. As I run to the gym, momentum begins to build and by the time I arrive I’m ready, physically and mentally, to shift gears.

My “pure gym focus” playlist goes on, with a mix of superhero and Marvel soundtracks. Cheesy and cliché, maybe. Not to me though. To me they’re tools. Tools for connecting to the frame of mind required to override the demon of self-doubt and step into the beast of supreme confidence. Lately, Speed of Force from Justice League, the Avengers theme, Portals from Endgame and the Man of Steel Original Sketchbook are the tracks that plug me directly into the zone.

It’s difficult to explain what happens when I lock in, but something shifts and it’s something I can tap into repeatedly if I follow the same practice. The music, the association with the scenes those tracks represent, the reminder that I’m the hero of my own story. The internal questioning of am I enough, am I doing enough, am I good enough for my girlfriend, my friends, my family, begins to fade as a simpler, clearer state of mind takes hold.

I’m here now. It’s time.

Outwardly, I think I project confidence, or at least that’s what comments over the years would suggest. In truth, much of it is brute force will. A deliberate override of the internal absence of confidence that represents my default state.

It’s a strange dichotomy. On one hand, I feel I have nothing to prove. On the other, I feel like I have everything to prove, even though the only person keeping score is me. That tension can be directed towards productive focus, but when the scale tips it turns into pressure built almost entirely from self-expectation.

You can’t hide from the person who sees you every day, which in my case is my girlfriend. She’s the one who sees the battle play out the most. She hates the weight I put on myself and yet knows that however much she tries; comfort alone won’t fix it. It’s something I have to recalibrate internally, like constantly adjusting a dial between where I am and where I believe I should be.

And yet, place me in the face of adversity, in the gym, on a long run, or into a demanding piece of work and a different person emerges.

There’s no hesitation, no internal questioning, just certainty. It’s why I signed up for a 50-mile ultramarathon before ever entering a half, let alone a full marathon. Why I went straight into Hyrox Pro before attending as a spectator or trying an Open event.

As I’ve said to friends many times, I don’t consider myself naturally gifted at anything. I’ve never felt like the most talented person in the room and doubt I ever will. I couldn’t name a talent I possess if I was paid to.

What I do have, maybe all I can rely on, is the ability to persist. To endure. To keep going. To keep moving when others slow down. To keep pushing when others throw in the towel. When it comes to physical exertion or focused work, I operate from conviction. It’s not arrogance or at least I don’t intend for it to be. Just belief that I can endure whatever is in front of me.

Balancing imposter and superhero syndrome is exhausting at times. When everything feels like it’s getting on top of me, even if it takes a day or two to recognise it, I head out on a run, put on Man of Steel, reset and return re-centred.

Calmer. Focused.

As personal as this battle feels, I know I’m not alone in it.

Many people project confidence outwardly while negotiating doubt privately. They deliver, perform, lead, compete, create. Then in quiet moments question whether they deserve the seat they’re in. We see the outcomes, but not the internal battles or inner dialogue behind them. If one of us is managing it quietly, there are countless others doing the same.

I don’t think the goal is to eliminate self-doubt entirely. I’m not even sure that would be healthy. Doubt sharpens you. It forces reflection and keeps ego in check. The tension between doubt and belief is uncomfortable, but within that tension is growth.

At its core this is a quiet battle between two forces. Self-doubt can feel immovable. Self-belief, when trained, becomes difficult to stop.

Over time I’ve realised the aim isn’t to defeat one entirely, both have their place. It’s to ensure that when the moment comes to act, belief moves first.