Strength Through Vulnerability

I maintain a mastermind group where we share discussion on thought provoking topics as well as supporting each other with business and personal endeavours. We meet quarterly for a review but late last year we introduced something that initially I didn’t think I’d take to but has become one of the most valuable assets of our group.

A Habit That Stuck

We’re actively aware that we should spend more time together in person however due to logistical constraints as well as family and work obligations it’s also a continual challenge. We’re also very aware of the value of connecting over and above just speaking through text though. For this reason, one of the group suggested we start leaving a video check in once a week on how we’re doing; what’s going well, any challenges, anything that comes to mind really. Nothing structured or polished just a ‘safe space’ for sharing raw thoughts and feelings.

A video post once a week sounds almost trivial especially in a day and age where it feels like half our lives are on camera but there’s something distinctly different in sharing with trust and the ability to be openly vulnerable without caution.

While everyone struggles with unique challenges it’s generally acknowledged that men struggle when it comes to sharing of emotions. We assume the role of protectors for partners, family and friends whilst often downplaying our own struggles. Over the past few years’ things have got even more distorted with the prevalence of misrepresented ‘stoic’ practices that put emphasis more on absence of emotions than rooting back to the core tenets of stoicism. I’ve many thoughts on the issues with this misrepresentation of stoicism and the value for society if we can bring the core principles back to being better understood but that’s for a different post.

The Release Valve

I place strong value on strength, resilience and discipline however I also put a heavy emphasis on emotional intelligence and being a well rounded individual which requires understanding, managing and dealing with your emotions. The simple exercise of speaking concerns out aloud does a lot in and of itself for reducing the stress and tension of bottling it all up. It’s especially useful for topics that are more sensitive or difficult to share with partners or others close to you.

It isn’t simply about a space to share challenges though, it’s the channel to share the unfiltered check in of ‘this is where I’m at right now guys’ which can be good, bad or indifferent. Some weeks a check in is short and sweet, others it might be long and winding. Less about major concerns and more just opening up on thoughts banging around in our heads.

What’s been noticeable is the consistency with which we’ve stuck to this habit now, a sign for me that it’s something incredibly valuable to us all. I’ve even realised that although these are long time friends to the point of considering them like brothers, there are things about them that I wasn’t aware of until now.

Noticing Signs

Not only are we helping each other but we’ve created stronger bonds. Through doing so it becomes easier to pick up on non-verbal signs of concern or distress. A lower tone, a less healthy look on screen, a hunching down or brevity in message suggesting there’s something not being said. As and when we’re ready the underlying cause will come out but almost without fail one or all of the group will remind you not to be afraid to speak out, let us know what’s going on or just remember we’re here if needed.

Shining Examples

I think we’ve all taken up the mantle to be the sign of strength for others in the group to lean on for inspiration and support when times get challenging. It’s something said without being said but we all know that we’re going down different roads towards a similar destination of pursuing happiness, fulfilment and love in life through our partners, kids and families.

In my mastermind group I see shining examples of people I look up to even if they don’t realise and through focusing on pushing myself, I try to give something back to them too.

In times that are challenging, the check in, support and inspiration I take from the group and our weekly check in reminds me of the end of a favoured poem

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”

Vulnerability and creating the space to be able to show it isn’t a weakness nor should it ever be construed as one but another part of a deeper strength that a well-rounded, strong, resilient individual possesses. The ability to marshal our emotions and our response to external stimuli relies on us keeping our own house in order and ensuring that we regulate and release emotions in a healthy way rather than letting them build up to breaking point.

Strength and vulnerability are partners, not opposites. One without the other is incomplete.